What a Day!

Let me just begin by saying this - "what a day". I don't even really know if I mean that in a good way or a bad way, it has just been "a day". I didn't get much sleep last night. David's days & nights are so mixed up that I'm beginning to think we'd all be better off if he just slept all day every day, then stayed up all night every night. Even on the nights he is off. He slept most of yesterday, because he couldn't sleep on Monday night. Then last night, he actually turned off the tv around 11:30 & fell asleep - BEFORE I DID! That would be great except for the dogs woke him up around 3 this morning, and of course, he was up & wide awake then...and between him turning on the lights, taking the dogs out, trying to get them back in & settled down, it woke me up. On my way back from the bathroom I could hear my Hunter-man crying in his crib. (The kids got back from Kansas sometime after midnight last night & they are home for good). So of course, this grandma couldn't go back to bed until I went in & checked on him. And when he looked at me with those big blue eyes of his & smiled, well, what else could I do except snatch him right out of his crib & take him to bed with me & David? Except...what I know now, that I didn't last night at 3 am is IF you don't just give him his bottle & let him go back to sleep right then, he thinks it's morning & time to wake up & play. Somewhere around 4:45 or so I got him back to sleep & put him back in his crib. Around 5:30 I fell back asleep. At exactly 6:30 on the dot my alarm went off - and I've been up since!
I worked my a$$ off at work today. I've been slacking a little bit since about the week or so before we went to Cancun, and I had to have a little pep talk with myself this morning & remind "me" that if I didn't get on the ball, I'm not gonna have much of a paycheck next week. In my job in sales, the real money in in the commission & incentives, definatley not the hourly pay (that's just enough to pay the insurance, 401k & taxes usually). So I hit it hard today. And it paid off. I should have at least 2 agreements back tomorrow morning, so I'll need to pull just ONE more off to hit my incentive for the week. AND...if I can pull TWO in by 3 tomorrow, I'll be able to wear jeans all next week, leave early tomorrow & get a couple scratches on the new scratch board that's got a $500 spot waiting on me!
When I got home tonight the kids weren't here, they had some errands to run & were going out for dinner, so I got David off to work & had really planned on hitting the recliner & watching Criminal Minds & CSI until I went to bed. BUT - I started a load of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, did more laundry, vacuumed, changed the sheets on the beds, ended up finishing ALL the laundry & putting it away, swept the floors...well, needless to say I just got completely carried away by that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that I am certain I have, and now it's after midnight & here I am blogging instead of sleeping like I should be!
David told me before he left for work tonight that on Sunday him & Eddy are heading to Stuttgart to check on his dad & will be staying until Tuesday. AND - unless Desiree' can find someone to watch Hunter for her on Monday & Tuesday while she works (she got her old job back at Sonic for now), that the boys are taking Hunter-man with them down south! SO...we've gotta figure something out there because I love my son & husband very much & all that good stuff, but NO WAY am I letting them take that baby for 3 whole days. No way Jose'!
And, the last and biggest news of the day is this: My sister called me tonight. For those of you keeping up, we haven't spoken since right before Christmas. We talked for 2 1/2 hours, maybe 3. One would think after spending that much time talking, everything would be fine & back to normal. But - one wouldn't know my sister or the way our relationship is if they thought that. Basically, she called to make sure I knew that she was mad, why she was mad, and that in all reality she is still mad, but she didn't use the word "MAD". Instead she used the word "Hurt", and wanted to make sure I understood why she felt the way she did & that I saw her side of things. I did, and I do. But the problem here isn't either one of us understanding the other's "side", because we both do. The problem is that she can't or won't FORGIVE me. She won't forgive me for unintentionally hurting her feelings & making her feel like I didn't think my mom, she, my nieces, their whole family was important enough to take a day or night out & have "Christmas" together. She can see how it happened that my mom & I decided that we didn't need to have "Christmas" at my house on the night we planned, since Hunter had just gotten out of the ICU the night before and everyone at her house was just getting over a horrible stomach bug & we didn't want my 4 lb grandson to be exposed to that. She can't see that if she hadn't gotten so upset or 'hurt' by us calling it off for that next night, that I & my mom had already talked about & had EVERY intention of rescheduling our Christmas together, it just might have been the day after or the Saturday AFTER Christmas. I could go on & on & on & on about the conversation we had tonight, but at least it was civil, I listened to her & empathized with her, & understood some of where she was coming from. I even told her a little of how I actually felt about it & all the 100 other things she brought up tonight. Don't know if she heard a word or not. But I do know (and have known all along) that this was hurting my mom more than anyone else. Like Tina pointed out, I have a LOT of family. "David's" family, is MY family. I've got my kids. I have friends at work. Most importantly, I have David. But my mom? My mom has only 2 people (and their very small family's) left. She has my sister, (who has my niece Kayla-my step niece Kara & her husband Tommy) and she has me (and my little family of David, Pudge, Ed, Des & Hunter-man). THAT IS IT. We are all she has. She has no parents left, she's an only child, there are no loving aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, husband...there is NO ONE. And if Tina & I are at odds with one another, and since my mom LIVES with Tina & her family, then my momma only has Tina & her clan. And I am her oldest daughter. And somewhere in the midst of all this drama (or lack there of since I avoid any & all confrontation like the plague), I've let my sister take control of my relationship with my mom. And that is not okay. So in the end we've came to this solution. I will NOT let this rift with my sister keep me from calling my mom, going to see my mom, taking my mom out to dinner, bringing her to my house to spend a weekend, etc. And my sister will NOT use this rift between us to pressure our mom not to talk to me, or threaten my mom or hold anything over her head if/when she does. She's promised me the tension that has been there for 7 months when I call/see my mom will be gone, and I'm going to hold her to that. Like I told Tina tonight, I can not go back & change the past or any of my actions in the past. I can't "fix" this or what happened. I can't change it. I also have NO CONTROL over anything that anyone other than myself says or does. I can say I'm sorry (which I did), and that is all I can do about anything that has EVER happened before this very moment right now. And I can learn from the past. There is a lesson there, if we will just take the time & make the effort to see it. My sister & I are as different as night & day. Always have been & I guess we always will be. Where I choose (and it IS A CHOICE), to forgive & to love, she chooses not to. And here is where I will repeat myself, and end this post....I have NO CONTROL over anything that ANYONE other than myself says or does......me